Exercise #3: Use Defensiveness Neutralizers

One small shift that can transform the way feedback lands in your relationship is something I call a defensiveness neutralizer. It’s a simple, intentional way to anticipate your partner’s defensiveness—which you can likely predict—and instead lead with care, context, and understanding.

Here’s how it works: before you offer feedback, you say the thing your partner is likely to protest or get defensive about—so that they don’t feel the need to say it. If you reassure them that you can embody their perspective, the feedback is much more likely to be absorbed.

It might sound like:

“I know you’ve had a packed week and you’ve been juggling so much—I really appreciate you getting to the kitchen. One small thing for next time: could you be sure to wipe the counters as well.”

or

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings—and honestly, you’re usually so thoughtful about this kind of thing—but I felt really sad that I wasn’t invited. I think I just needed to feel included.”

This is similar to a compliment sandwich, which packages praise → criticism → praise to allow for building someone up while also offering feedback. The defensiveness neutralizer starts with appreciation, validation or reassurance of understanding to prevent the feedback from feeling like an attack. It also builds a good habit in yourself: looking for the positive and assuring your partner you see the full context, instead of just focusing on your unmet need. Done with warmth, it softens the air in the room. It lets feedback enter the relationship as part of care, not conflict.

These moments don’t need to be overly polished. In fact, defensiveness neutralizers work best when they’re honest, brief, and spoken in your real voice. You’re not sugarcoating. You’re just holding two truths: appreciation or understanding as well as your needs in the relationship.