Exercise #4: Use Reassurance, Not Defensiveness

Sometimes in relationships, the line between reassurance and defensiveness gets blurry. Both can start with a similar impulse: wanting to reduce pain in your partner. You see them hurting, and you want to explain—maybe the hurt is based on a misunderstanding, a missing piece of information, or a misread intent. That impulse is natural.

But how you respond makes all the difference.

If the explanation is delivered defensively, the focus subtly shifts away from your partner’s pain and toward your own need to be seen as good or right. It becomes about clearing your name. It may sound like “That’s not what happened,” or “You always assume the worst,” or “That’s not fair.” Even if those statements are true, they create distance.

Reassurance, on the other hand, stays oriented toward your partner. It sounds like: “I can see how that hurt you,” or “That wasn’t my intention at all, but I understand how it came across.” It doesn’t ignore your own experience—but it offers it in a way that helps soothe, rather than silence, your partner’s pain.

The best path forward is to provide clarity about where you were coming from, but do it through the lens of care. Reassurance involves validating your partner’s feelings, prioritizing their experience, and then gently layering in your own. You’re not asking them to stop feeling hurt—you’re helping them feel less alone in it.

This kind of repair builds trust. It says: “You matter to me, even when things go sideways. I can hold your experience alongside mine.” And in many relationships, that’s the moment things start to heal.