Exercise #10: Understanding "Overreactions"

In relationships, we sometimes have enormous reactions to apparently minor situations. But from a psychoanalytic lens, reactions that seem outsized in the moment are not just about that moment. There’s a phrase that captures this well: “What’s hysterical is historical.”

That intensity—what gets labeled an “overreaction”—often comes from the emotional sediment of experiences long past. It’s not just that you forgot to text. It’s that, underneath it, there’s a thread of being forgotten, overlooked, or left out—again. It’s not just that you made a comment. It’s the hundred other times in someone’s life they felt criticized or misunderstood. The current event taps into something deeper, and the reaction is to both.

Couples don’t need to diagnose or dissect this alone. But one powerful shift is to replace the impulse to correct with a commitment to curiosity. Instead of “That’s not what I meant, stop overreacting,” try “I see that really landed hard—can you help me understand what this is connected to?” Even if the answer is unclear—and it often is without therapy to guide the conversation—the curiosity can be soothing and validating.

Sometimes our emotional origin stories are layered, unconscious, and complex. That’s where therapy can be a space to untangle what’s historical from what’s happening now. But even without all the answers, slowing down enough to wonder together can transform reactivity into deeper connection.