Exercise #9: Get Out of Circular Arguments (A Simple Trick)

If you and your partner find yourselves rehashing the same argument—or repeating yourselves within the same conversation—it’s not because you’ve forgotten what you said. It’s because one or both of you don’t feel heard.

When we don’t feel heard, we instinctively say it again, and then again, often a little louder or more urgently. And from there, it’s easy to spiral into frustration, defensiveness, or shutdown. This is what makes arguments feel circular and stuck.

One simple way to disrupt this cycle is to summarize what your partner is trying to say. Before you reply, reflect it back: “So what I’m hearing is that you felt alone when I left the party early. Is that right?” You don’t need to agree, and you don’t need to explain yourself right away. The goal is to show that you’re listening and trying to understand their internal experience.

This small shift—summarizing instead of responding—can create the emotional safety needed to move forward. If you want a more structured version of this, check out Exercise #2 in my listening guide.

The bottom line: repeating yourself is a protest for connection. When you help your partner feel heard by summarizing what they are saying, you both get unstuck.