Exercise #12: Tell Your Partner in a Way They Can Hear You

It’s a painful thing to speak and not feel heard. But often, it’s not that our partners aren’t listening—it’s that our message gets lost in how we deliver it.

In couples therapy, we talk often about the difference between requests and complaints. As Dr. Orna Guralnik puts it, “share requests, not complaints.” When we lead with criticism—“You never help around the house”—our partner hears a global judgment, not a specific need. But if we say, “I’d love it if you could help with the dishes tonight,” we’re more likely to get a positive response.

Gottman’s research backs this up: how you start a conversation predicts how it will go. A soft startup—gentle tone, clear request, no blame—opens the door for connection. A harsh startup—sarcasm, accusation, raised voice—shuts it.

This isn’t about silencing frustration. It’s about strategy. If your partner feels attacked, they’ll go into defense mode—explaining, justifying, shutting down. If they feel invited into your experience, they’re more likely to respond with care.

The goal isn’t just to get your needs met. It’s to stay in relationship while expressing them. That takes a little more effort—and a lot more success.