Exercise #13: Recognize Your Cycle

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we often talk about the patterns couples get stuck in—those frustrating, painful cycles where both people feel misunderstood or disconnected. These cycles usually aren’t about the surface issue at all; they’re about how each person protects themselves when they feel vulnerable. A helpful way to understand this is through the analogy of the porcupine and the turtle.

The porcupine represents the anxiously attached partner. This is the partner who deeply craves closeness and reassurance—but their fear of rejection or abandonment can make that longing come out with a sting. Imagine a porcupine saying, “Please hug me!” while bristling with quills. The quills are protest behaviors—sharp words, criticism, repeated questions—not because the porcupine wants to hurt, but because they want to be seen and held, and don’t know how else to get through. Underneath, they’re tender. I want to feel close. I want to matter to you.

The turtle, in contrast, represents the avoidantly attached partner. When the energy gets intense, the turtle pulls into its shell. This isn’t because the turtle doesn’t care—it’s the opposite. They’re overwhelmed, unsure, and afraid they’ll make it worse. The shell is a way of saying, It’s too much. I don’t know how to fix this. But inside, the turtle is also longing—I want peace. I want connection that doesn’t feel like danger.

And this is the dance.

The porcupine reaches out—sometimes with urgency or criticism. The turtle, sensing the quills, withdraws. The more the turtle disappears, the more the porcupine panics and spikes. The more the porcupine spikes, the more the turtle hides. Around and around they go—not because either one is bad, but because both are protecting something vulnerable and important.

Recognizing and naming the cycle as it’s happening is one of the most powerful moves a couple can make. It shifts the focus from “you’re the problem” to “we’re caught in something together.” When you can say, “I think we’re in the porcupine-turtle thing again,” you’re already stepping out of the pattern and into a place of shared understanding. Naming the cycle gives you both a chance to pause, take a breath, and reach for each other with a little more clarity and compassion.

EFT helps couples interrupt this pattern. In therapy, we help the porcupine soften—“I’m scared I don’t matter to you. That’s why I came in hot.”—and we help the turtle peek out—“I shut down because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, not because I don’t care.”

When partners can speak from their softness instead of their defenses, everything shifts. The porcupine can be held. The turtle can stay present. And the cycle loses its grip.

So if you see yourself in this dynamic, you’re in good company. This is one of the most common patterns couples bring into therapy. And the good news is—it can change. Not through blame, but through slowing down, creating safety, and learning to show each other what’s really underneath the shell or the quills. That’s where closeness begins.