Exercise #5: Incorporate "Third Things"

In the wake of poet Jane Kenyon’s death, her husband Donald Hall reflected on the shape of their connection:

“We did not spend our days gazing into each other's eyes. We did that gazing when we made love or when one of us was in trouble, but most of the time our gazes met and entwined as they looked at a third thing. Third things are essential to marriages, objects or practices or habits or arts or institutions or games or human beings that provide a site of joint rapture or contentment. Each member of a couple is separate; the two come together in double attention.”

Hall’s words name something quiet but essential in long-term love—the role of the third thing. These are the shared points of fascination, the rituals, the inside jokes, the small obsessions, or the reverent silences that bring couples into connection—not just with each other, but with the world together.

Third things can be as grand as a shared love for poetry, or as humble as a favorite TV show or morning walk. They give couples something to point to side-by-side, rather than turning all attention inward. That orientation matters. The third thing softens the dynamic. It creates a space for mutual curiosity, shared reverence, or even just parallel play.

Connecting conversations about the relationship itself are important—and couples therapy is often a space where those deeper dialogues are held and encouraged. But third things offer something different: ease, joy, and the feeling of being on the same team, facing outward. They help remind partners that their relationship is not just about working through things, but also about co-creating a life with texture, meaning, and shared delight.

These shared devotions—whether it’s birdwatching, cooking, crossword puzzles, or shared adventures—are more than hobbies. They’re connective tissue. They tether the relationship to meaning, beauty, and spaciousness. And sometimes, when the relationship feels stuck or heavy, returning to a third thing is what brings lightness back in.