Exercise #8: Repair

No matter how strong the relationship, rupture is inevitable. What matters most isn’t avoiding conflict—what matters is how we repair. As Dr. Becky Kennedy puts it, “Good parents—and good partners—are not those who never mess up. They’re the ones who repair well.”

Repair means coming back after disconnection with intention. It means naming what happened, expressing care for how it impacted your partner, and showing up in a way that rebuilds safety and connection. In couples therapy, I often talk with clients about how repair is less about being right and more about being reachable again.

What makes a repair work isn’t perfect wording—it’s humility and care. When you focus on your partner’s experience and soften your stance, it almost always goes better. If you lead with defensiveness or explanation, it tends to fall flat. But if you center their pain and your intention to care for it, you’ve already done the hardest part.

A repair is typically made up of one or more of the following:

• An authentic apology (not one that says “I’m sorry you feel that way”)

• Validation of your partner’s feelings or experience

• Reassurance about your care and intentions

• A commitment to change in the future

A repair might sound like:

“I know I got defensive. That probably made you feel even more alone. I’m really sorry—I want to try again.”

Or:

“I was short with you earlier. You didn’t deserve that. Can we talk now that I’ve taken a breath?”

Rupture is part of secure relationships. In fact, consistent, caring repair is what builds trust over time. If you can make room for each other’s humanity and keep coming back to connection, you’re doing the real work.